I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
