kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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