I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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