His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
