I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
