something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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