Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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