420 ftw
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
