So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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