My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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