Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
