Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
