he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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