I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
