My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
