she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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