My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
