I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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