dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
