I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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