Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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