Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
