Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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