I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
