Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
