i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
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I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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