i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
soo... how was my night?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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