Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
