Cold hands, warm shart.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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