my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
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Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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