I love black thongs
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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