I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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