I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
organizing the empties. That sober.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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