Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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