It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
