Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
