I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
