he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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