i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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