i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
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That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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