My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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