you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
