you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
