I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
