omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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