Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
