You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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