Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
