Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he thought i was a dude.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
