Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
