I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
another moral hangover. fuck.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
