Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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