I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
