I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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