my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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